That moment I caught myself praying to a God I wasn't sure I believed in anymore

Last Tuesday my mom went in for a biopsy on a lump they found in her breast. I was sitting in the hospital waiting room, and without even thinking, I started praying. Like full eyes closed, hands clasped, begging some higher power to make it benign. And I haven't set foot in a church in almost 8 years. I've been pretty solidly agnostic since college... always figured if there's a God he's either not listening or not there. But in that moment, none of that mattered. It's got me wondering if believing is less about logic and more about what you actually do when you're scared. Has anyone else caught themselves doing something religious on autopilot even when you thought you were done with all that?

2 comments

2 Comments

david70110d ago

Oh man, that's a powerful question! It's like you're asking me to pick apart my own panic. So here's what I've been turning over in my head since I read your post: do you think you were praying to the God you used to know, or were you just throwing words at the ceiling hoping something would catch them? Because when my dad had his heart scare last year, I caught myself bargaining with a universe I don't even believe has a steering wheel, and I still can't tell if I was talking to anything real or just trying to make myself feel less alone in that room.

chen.jenny10d ago

begging some higher power" - do you think you were praying to her or to the fear itself?