How I went from loaning my brother $500 to just saying no outright

Used to be the family bank when my brother needed cash for car repairs or rent. Last time he asked for $200 to cover his electric bill I finally said no. He got mad, said I was being selfish. But I realized after 4 times of him never paying back a single dollar that I was just enabling him. Now I just say 'sorry, can't do it' and the guilt went away after about 2 months. Has anyone else had a sibling get angry when you stopped being their ATM?

2 comments

2 Comments

oscarmurphy5h ago

That line about "trained you to feel responsible for their problems" really hit home @harper_smith. I was the same way with my older sister for years, always covering her car payments and thinking I was being the "good brother." But when I finally stopped, she said I changed and was selfish, which made me realize she was just using that guilt to keep me going. It took me a solid 3 months before the guilt faded and I saw I was just paying for her bad choices, not actually helping.

harper_smith7h ago

That whole guilt thing is the real trap, isn't it? You almost feel bad for setting a boundary because they've trained you to feel responsible for their problems. But here's the thing - if he can get mad at you for not giving him money, he can get mad at you for anything, so what's the difference? Why do siblings think being related means they get unlimited access to your wallet? At some point you have to ask yourself if saying no is actually the more caring thing to do.