Question about a tough talk at my friend's birthday dinner

We were at a restaurant in Portland for her 30th, just a small group. I made a joke that fell flat, and she pulled me aside later and said, 'That really hurt my feelings.' I had no idea. It made me realize I don't check in enough with my friends about how they're really doing. How do you make sure you're not accidentally being a bad friend?

3 comments

3 Comments

sarah_brown2mo ago

Yeah, paying attention to the quiet moments is key. Like if someone doesn't laugh at a normal joke, or they change the subject real fast. I try to follow up later, not right in front of everyone. Shoot a text the next day like "Hey, about that thing I said last night, wanted to make sure it was cool." Gives them space to say something if they need to.

grant_cooper22d ago

That reminds me of something that happened to a buddy of mine. He's usually the funny guy in the group, cracking jokes all night. One time he made a joke about someone's new haircut and the person just didn't react at all, like stone cold silence. My friend said he felt terrible because he realized he might have crossed a line without meaning to. He did the same thing you mentioned, texted the guy the next morning and apologized, and it turned out the guy was just having a really bad day and took it the wrong way. Do you feel like that kind of check-in text usually works, or does it ever make things more awkward?

masonpark2mo ago

Man that's such a good question. I mean I totally get it, I had a similar thing happen where I was teasing a friend about always being late and she just went quiet. I didn't realize she was actually really stressed about time management and it hit a nerve. Now I try to pay more attention to their reaction in the moment, like their face or if they go quiet. It's hard though, you can't read minds. Maybe just asking "hey, is everything okay?" more often, even when nothing seems wrong.