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Can we talk about how I lost 4 friends after I stopped hosting every cookout at my place in Austin?
I used to host a backyard BBQ every other Sunday at my place in Austin for 2 years, and I was the one buying all the meat and drinks. Last May I got a second job and told the group I could only do potlucks once a month. Three of the 6 guys stopped coming at all, and one guy, Marcus, said "it's not the same when you're not grilling" and hasn't shown up since. I thought friendships were about the people, but it turns out for my group it was mostly about who was paying. Has anyone else watched a regular hangout fall apart the second you stopped being the one doing all the work?
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ross.sean20d ago
That line about "it's not the same when you're not grilling" hits hard because it tells you exactly what Marcus valued. I went through something close to this with a poker night I ran for years, and what helped me was to stop chasing the guys who vanished and put that energy into the two who kept showing up even when I brought nothing but chips and cheap beer. We started rotating houses and doing cheaper stuff, frozen pizza, whatever, and it actually got easier because nobody owed anybody anything. The hard part is admitting some friendships were really just a good deal for the other person, and that stings. But the ones who stick around after the free food stops are the real ones, and you find out fast who those are. Let the four go and water the ones still standing.
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